All Over Again

Yesterday, we (my sister and niece, my boyfriend & I, my cousin Ching-Ching and her daughter and another cousin Jo Ann) were at the Sta. Ana Church Ossuary at 4pm for the 2nd interment of my papa and mama.

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My father died of MI (Myocardial Infarction) in October 1999. My eldest sister called me at the office at 7am (I used to come in to work at 6am for the AM shift) crying while telling me the bad news. It was a shock to both of us as that was the day my father was scheduled to be discharged from the hospital (he was confined for an entirely different reason) and we were going to fetch him and our mama that afternoon. At that moment, I was in denial. I didn't want to cry, believing that his life depended on it. But after I replaced the receiver, I knew I should accept that fact and give in to the grief that was overwhelmingly making me quiver. But the sad thing was that, now that I wanted to cry, I couldn't! I just couldn't! I was like a cold robot walking towards my manager and asking permission to go home because my father died. Not a tear fell from my eyes.

I was so devastated and going home alone even worsened it. When I opened the door to the house and saw my sister, there and then I burst into tears and my sobs competed with those of my sister's. In my mind I thought, "this is really it". In between crying and catching breaths, we called out, "papa!" until we couldn't cry anymore.

It has been almost 6 years since that day and I realized that until now, the pain is still so fresh. I remember now that after my father's death (and funeral) I can't remember when I cried again for him. It's not because I forgot about him or that I don't feel the emptiness he has left behind but I kept avoiding it firstly because I didn't want my mama to know, see or hear me crying as it will upset her. My mother already had a heart problem at that time and I didn't want her to feel the extreme pain or even remember it if she sees me crying. Mama used to look at my father's picture and talk to him as if he were alive. Secondly, I consider myself my "papa's girl". I felt close to my father ever since I was a kid. That's why losing him was like having no reason to live meaningfully anymore. I didn't mind that we had hard times dealing with his Parkinson's Disease. Those were difficult times but we made it through our daily lives and still felt lucky being together as a family.

I always felt sad everytime I remembered what he had been through. Since then I kept avoiding this pain that accompanied the void that was left in our hearts. I guess, I still am not over it. As I look back now, it must have been even more difficult for my father to suffer such an incurable and degenerating disease. My only consolation was, he didn't have a painful death because he died in his sleep.

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After my father's death, it was like the 'real' start of my mother's ordeal with Diabetes. Although she had been diagnosed to have Diabetes Mellitus Type II (DM II) in 1992-1993, it was only until then that the complications of her uncontrolled blood sugar levels began to appear. Mama complained of blurred vision. Not that she had a perfect 20/20 vision before this but it bothered her already. The doctor told us she had many blood clots in her eyes (not visible to the human eye) and that she needed to undergo Laser treatment to get rid of these. But that didn't mean her vision will be returned to normal. If she didn't, she'll risk blindness. So she underwent the 4 sessions and we returned to our normal daily lives.

Every year after that, she was always hospitalized for at least 5 days. Complaints ranged from having chest pains, difficulty of breathing and a consistently high Blood Pressure (BP) at more than 190/100 and even reached 260/90 at its highest. There was a time my mother was already quivering and felt so weak she kept telling herself, "this is it, this is it" and calling out to God to take her. She called every relative in the room and leaving her final messages to them. We were all crying at that moment. But she survived it.

Then she had trouble sleeping that she went to the province for vacation at her sister's house hoping the smell of fresh air would give her the relaxation she badly needed. In May 2003, she was rushed to a hospital due of difficulty of breathing. I arrived at the province the next day to find my mother in the middle of her dialysis session. She was so pale and frail. She had a slow recovery since then. She underwent 2 AV fistula operations (the 1st one proved a failure) to provide access for hemodialysis. Due to her old age and Diabetes, mama's veins had become so fragile that every sticking of needles before hemodialysis was a struggle in itself as the area was already swollen from the previous session(s).

Later in 2004, her fistula did not function properly and it didn't help that mama's blood easily clotted during hemodialysis resulting to more blood loss. Since no other part of her body can accommodate another AV fistula, a permanent catheter (permcath) was installed at her neck. Mama was already so weak this time that she couldn't walk alone and got tired so easily. All these coming and going to the hospital or the dialysis center, the financial aspects of every decision made and all care taken in treating the complications of Diabetes were physically, emotionally and psychologically exhausting for us. Add to that the pain of losing her beloved only brother (their youngest sibling) to colon cancer. I couldn't help crying at times as I had nobody to talk to. I began having chest pains and even panic attacks.

One time, my friend visited mama and told her she'd pray for her fast recovery. My friend then asked her what she (mama) wanted to pray for. She answered (not the exact words maybe but as I remembered it), "Liberty. Freedom from all these pain and suffering. I am old and useless, I don't want to live like this anymore". I was on the verge of tears when I heard that. It took every ounce of strength left in me to hold it back or totally lose it. What kept me going despite all these was the thought that I had to be strong if only for my mother. Her appetite improved for a while after the permcath operation and she was able to sit down on the bed and eat without help from anybody. But she got so weak again that in January 2005, her heart finally gave in and she died from MI secondary to pulmonary arrest.

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Yesterday, both were laid to rest and I felt the pain all over again.



(To all my friends, who had been there during those trying times, who visited us at the hospital, who extended their assistance in any way they could, who condoled in our time of grief: May God reward you for all the kindness, thoughtfulness and concern you have shown us. I only have two ordinary words that definitely mean so much--> Thank you.)

"Happy Trip!"

Today is Gail's last day at the office. Oh no, she has not resigned or anything. She is scheduled to fly to Germany tomorrow to attend the World Youth Day 2005, not as a delegate but as a volunteer. She'll be with others who have offered their assistance to make this global event a success.

For our lunch, I wasn't able to bring anything. Jory informed me he'll be bringing some pasta so I thought of adding some bread and/or dessert. This was planned as a sort of going-away party (with only the 3 of us). I did buy a loaf of wheat bread and 20 Country Style assorted donut bits while Gail bought 3 sodas. It's been awhile since we last had merienda or lunch together. Gail is on AM shift and busy attending to important matters before her departure. Jory is on an 11-8pm shift and has little time now to visit us at the 20th floor. I, on the otherhand, am on a flexible shift coming in at hours between 10am-2pm. I have come to call it 'irregular' shift everytime somebody asks me, "By the way, what's your shift?".

We didn't have our usual energy today as Gail was having 'butterflies' in her stomach. It must be her growing excitement and anticipation for the trip, which would keep her from the office for more than 10 days. She ate half-heartedly and talked less. Jory wasn't as talkative either. I was just too hungry all I could do was eat and ask a question to break the silence.

We would surely miss you, Gail...have a safe & happy trip, God bless and take care of yourself (don't go running after cute German guys, ok? ;-D Just kidding, lol)!

Sunday Deal & Pig Out Sessions

My sister, Mimi, and I woke up late today because we slept late and more so because of the weather--cold, rainy and dreary.

We hurriedly readied ourselves and Mariz so we could arrive at the church's office before it closes for the day. The 'Close' sign was already in place at the office door. However, the guard on duty told us they had just hung that sign and someone must still be in there. Indeed, a lady was still at the counter and so we expressed our interest in leasing a crypt at the ossuary. She gave us the sketches of the sections and indicated which ones have already been taken and those that are still available.

I was so surprised that there was not much left! In our last visit in January, not even a third of the whole ossuary was occupied. We didn't expect that in a span of about 6 months it would turn out like this. It's either so many people must have died within that time or maybe some people must have already leased the crypts for future use (which is not too improbable these days, what with the rising funeral costs). Most of those still available are located on the 2 highest rows, which, for me, is not convenient considering we are a vertically-challenged family. Left with no other choice though, we selected one that was on the 2nd to the highest row at Section VI. After checking it out at the ossuary, my sister signed the 50-year lease contract for the crypt. We then scheduled papa & mama's interment at 4pm on August 10, which is papa's birthday (he would have been 76 years old).

That done, we went to Max's Restaurant. What was previously planned as a snack turned into a heavy lunch with Pancit Canton, Half Family-sized Fried Chicken, Sinigang na Tiyan ng Bangus, Rice and drinks. I was so full I just wanted to lay down and rest, which we did when we got home. I couldn't even bring myself to eat some Mr. Donut Smidgets that we bought 'to go'. Later, my sister went to a local internet cafe to update her CV and so I was left at home looking after Rolly and Mariz.

When Ate Mimi arrived, she decided we go to Makati Square and asked where we might have some dinner. I suggested Shakey's, to which she willingly agreed. So off we went to Plaza Fair first to buy Mariz some school supplies (she's not yet going to school but she frequently speaks of it; I don't think she knows what really goes on in a school yet, but she got the idea of going to one from a neighbor and playmate). I bought her new toys- a cellphone and a beauty kit which included a hair dryer, hair clips and curlers, rings, a brush and comb, perfume and lipstick. She's quite a 'Kikay'; very fond of such things that she's always wide-eyed and curious whenever she sees me putting on my lipstick, combing my hair or dressing up for work.

The dinner at Shakey's consisted of 2 orders of Pizza, Pasta & Potatoes, a serving of spaghetti, a loaf of garlic bread and a basket of Mojos with Caeser dressing. Every few forkfuls were downed with Bottomless Iced Tea or soda and every last bit was not wasted. The plates were clean in no time! And again, I was so full I could hardly stand up (that's what you get for weekend binging!).

And so another weekend was over...(darn!)

Rainy Saturday

This is the 2nd Saturday of overtime work. I finished 12 reports in 5 hours (not bad considering our quota should be 1 report/hr) but I only came in at 2pm only as I got infected with "laziness" that morning. Before going to work I dropped by at the Sta. Ana Church to know their business hours as my sister has finally decided to get our parents a crypt in the church. She wanted to transact this today at the church's office but it was still closed at that time. I suggested she should see the ossuary first and choose which crypt she'd prefer for mama and papa.

The ossuary houses around 900 crypts up to 8 rows high and 10 columns in 1 U-shaped section. There are several sections within and an altar at far end of the room. Uniform cylindrical vases are available for each crypt, which has a built-in vase holder at the upper left corner of its marble square cover. No candles were allowed inside as the room is air-conditioned. However, candle holders are available just outside the wrought iron gate. I haven't been there since January, when our eldest sister and I went there to see the place.

It was drizzling since morning so my sister wasn't able to visit the ossuary that afternoon. We decided to postpone the visit and transaction till next morning, as the church's office is closed on Sunday afternoons. Rolly also called to say he was coming over to visit me (despite the rain) so we could have some 'alone' time. We don't get that too often these days as our only common day off, that's Sunday, is usually spent mall hopping and dining with my sister and niece (and sometimes, with our cousin Jo Ann).

By 7pm, we were off to Glorieta but we haven't decided yet on whether we'll watch a movie and bring in some take out food or forget the movie and just have dinner. We chose the latter so we can also go home early. There was no longer a Don Henrico's branch at Glorieta so my next choice was Chef d'Angelo, which offers pasta, pizza, chicken, salads and desserts--a more or less one-stop-shop for us. I ordered Spaghetti Puttanesca while Rolly chose a Sampler of chicken, pizza and salad. We savored the food, talked and sat there satisfied. We didn't have any other plans so we just dropped by some shops and walked leisurely around the mall. Then we walked to a Starbucks branch at 6750 to buy a Tall Rhumba Frappuccino. From there, we headed straight to my home.

Trial Workout

My friend, Chewie, invited me as a guest at her gym. I hesitated at first, as I felt 99.90% sure I was not going to enroll anyway. However, she told me guests are welcome to try the facilities and attend the group classes. There were classes held after office hours and these range from 'Body Combat' to 'Yoga' to 'Latin Workout'. This last one got me interested so we finally decided to attend both Body Combat and Latin Workout classes. I was thinking, "salsa, salsa, salsa!".

However, we both arrived late that particular day which meant we can only join the Latin Workout at 7pm. I arrived around 10mins before the class started and spent this time being interviewed by an assistant (I think I was considered a prospective client) who finally let me go to change as the instructor was already entering the room. As a guest, I was also entitled to a tour of the premises and the presentation of all facilities and perks available to members. But all these were deferred until after the workout.

After getting dressed in a tank top, jogging pants and sneakers (I guess, I'm not the sporty type--no proper rubber/workout shoes. But hey! This is just a Latin workout, I even planned taking off my socks & sneakers for ease in dancing but I decided otherwise), I walked quickly behind Chewie towards the room. There were only about 8 people in the class excluding the instructor. We started to warm up with an introduction of the first few dance steps to the tune of 'modern' Latin music (if there is such a thing as that). I missed the predominance of drums that are particular to some Latin songs that I have. I am accustomed to hearing the clave beat on my salsa music. But I was open to something new so it didn't bother me that much as long as I could dance my way to fitness.

The steps were like a jazz-cha-cha-cha-mambo-meringue combination with some aerobic movements thrown in between. There was only 1 salsa move (I think we called it the 'Back-to-Back' step) but I didn't mind. I did my best to follow and remember the sequence of all the steps we learned and enjoyed the whole workout. It made me feel good that I was able to exercise somehow. I just couldn't find time for it in my daily routine (good thing my friend invited me-- thanks, Chewie)!

When our workout ended, we munched on some cucumber and 'singkamas' sticks. I didn't get some carrots as I wouldn't be able to bite them properly anyway. My teeth and molars still hurt a bit since my last appointment with my dentist. We then proceeded to try an equipment which made me perform 'jogging' movements for 10 minutes. I then tried the treadmill for another 10. The sauna was our next stop. It was quite relaxing to just sit there after our workout. The gym provided us bath and hand towels (even shirts or shorts if you need them) in addition to bathing supplies and lockers. To me this was all just splendid, as I was only a guest there but I got to enjoy the perks--only for that night, of course. What's still keeping me from enrolling is the lack of regular free time and extra money. Chewie suggested I talk with the assistant regarding these concerns to see if something can be arranged. However, while we were handing in the towels, we were informed she had already gone home.

Smelling and feeling good, we exited the gym's doors munching on more cucumber sticks. Overall, I found the trial workout enjoyable and memorable. I got what I wanted--exercise, stress relief, a high-spirited feeling--and all for FREE!

Today's Highlights

After my 'gimik' the previous night, I could not get myself to sleep, although I needed it badly. It was 5am when I last looked at the clock and suddenly, I was already awake at 9am! However, I tried my best to get out of bed and resisted the urge to curl up with my pillows.

As I was leaving, I remembered I've really wanted some major change in my hair color since the weekend. I decided to drop by a nearby salon where I usually get my hair cut and my toenails cleaned and polished. As I have posted, I am sporting a new layered haircut but I felt there's still something missing. At the salon, I asked the owner and a hair stylist (both gays and beautiful at that!) for some advice as to what color would be appropriate for my hair, although I'd like it to be of a 'Brown' shade. There were so many hues to choose from that I had to ask for their help. They both decided on a deep brown color that was dark enough for my (as if) 'conservative' taste and light enough to be noticeable. I told them I'll decide later if I'd like some highlights to go with it.

And so I was there sitting on the chair flipping through the pages of a hair magazine while the hair stylist worked on my hair. After almost an hour, I saw that the color was just right. It was nearly the same as what I imagined. Then I decided to try, for the first time, some highlights. They chose a blonde color but told me I could decide to stop the setting period at any time if I think I've found the right lightness I wanted for my highlights. And so after a few more minutes under the 'steam' machine (I don't know what it is called), I told them it was enough. I didn't want it to go any tint lighter than it already was at that time. The part where they were about to reveal the outcome was quite suspenseful. I was afraid my hair color and the highlights' color would not match or blend well. But I was quite satisfied with what I saw. My hair looked more fuller and it had some attitude now, thanks to the highlights. As my hair stylist said, "Ang taray ha!"

Then I was off to the office feeling good about myself and excited at the thought that some of my friends at work would be surprised to see my new look, as I never told anybody I was planning this major change. I dropped by to see Gail, who was so surprised to see me that she could not speak at first but started laughing her head off! I thought she didn't like it, that I might have looked very funny to elicit such a reaction. She told me later, she thought my hair color was nice and just laughed because she didn't expect it was me, what with my new light brown tuft of hair kind of glowing under the yellowish gleam of the office lighting. A positive comment coming from a friend was enough validation for me.

I guess, those were the highlights of my day! :)

An Invite On A Weeknight (Part 2)

Mobile phone beeped @ 9:30pm.

Message: 'Where are you?'
Reply: 'Less than 5 min to Remedios Circle'

I hurriedly gathered my bag and jacket and indeed, in less than 5 minutes I was standing at a street corner fronting Cafe Adriatico. A few paces away I found Starbucks and waited for Freda and Vernie as they were still on their way over. It has been 2 weeks since the 3 of us last went out together. They arrived a few moments later. After our usual 'beso-beso' and a quick chat, we were all ready.

We headed to Ciboney Cafe Bar & Restaurant, which offers salsa and ballroom music on Tuesday nights. The salsa group members that regularly meet up in this club had just finished their session and were on their way home. Nevertheless, we proceeded to the club which was playing Swing music. After awhile, they played salsa music for us. No time was wasted and we were then on the dance floor swaying the night away.

At certain times during the night, ballroom music was played and 2 pairs of dancers hit the floor. The ladies were quite of age (I guessed, 60-ish) and their partners were young men (maybe in their late 20's) who were clearly DI's (Dance Instructors). Everytime they danced we were quite entertained by their moves and rehearsed combinations. Later, we noticed that the ladies had a change of attire and it was just fun watching them dance. It was not until later that I realized it was already half past midnight!

We rested a bit and went on our way back to Starbucks. Vernie had a Venti Mocha Frappuccino, Freda chose a Tall Rhumba Cream and I got myself a Grande Green Tea Frappuccino. After our enjoyable non-stop dancing, it was a relief to just sit down, sip our drinks and talk about anything that comes to mind. Too bad it was a weeknight, we had to cut the 'meeting' short and get ourselves some sleep or suffer at work the next morning. So that was how our 'gimik' turned out.

Mobile phone beeped at 3am.

Message: 'I'm home. Are you home, too?'
Reply: 'Yup. Thanks & goodnight!'

An Invite On A Weeknight

Mobile phone beeped at 1pm.

Message: "Are you free tonight?"
Reply: "Yes, but I'm off at 9pm."

I have been receiving similar invitations from a friend to meet up at some bar or cafe in Malate and I have turned down most of them. This time though, I was quite decided on going out.

When I awoke this morning, I was so glad I didn't feel any more pain in my teeth or jaws. Yesterday I went to my dentist and it turned out that my 4 upper front teeth needed to be pushed inwards, which meant a thicker wire and a tighter adjustment (very tight, mind you, that tears rolled down my cheeks as the dentist kept tightening the wire! No wonder 'M' also cried when she had to undergo this; click the link for related post). Feeling relieved, I dressed up and wanting to look better, I wore my new pair of bronze-colored dangling earrings. I was also sporting a new shoulder-length layered haircut (light brown highlights to follow) that gives my hair a fuller look. With a final look at the mirror, I told myself that if I get an invite today, I would not think twice in accepting it.

And so it was settled. I would meet up with Freda at 9:30pm wherever she and Vernie might be by that time. Unlike the usual gimik we have, tonight I don't really expect or even want to go salsa dancing (although I'm not totally discounting it, hehehe). Just a simple get together of friends, talking over a cup of coffee, would be fine.